Reclamation

Rec·la·ma·tion (r k l -m sh n). n. 1. The act or process of reclaiming. 2. A restoration , as to productivity, usefulness, or morality. 

This year is all about reclaiming myself, my identity, and my worth. After years of being married to someone, who loved his addiction more than me, I am taking control of my life again and my happiness. I knew through all the hard times that I deserved more but was just too scared to take the first step.


While I was coming to terms with filing for divorce I wrote a poem, which helped release some of the fears and anxieties I was experiencing. After writing the poem and sharing it with a few family members I think I would like to share it with you, my friends. It is very personal and doesn't quite acknowledge all the facts and details but I feel it did an adequate job of describing the previous stage of grief I faced. I haven't visited it often enough to refine it and I'm very much beginner as far as poems are concerned, but I hope you enjoy it-

Reclamation

Don’t throw our commitment in my face

It's not fair you when you treated me as waste

Our love was built upon something innocent and pure

It became polluted with your addiction and more

 

The months went on and I knew it wasn’t right

Some days were so long I didn’t have energy to fight

They say you pick and choose your battles in life

I didn’t know I’d have to fight for you to love your wife

 

Over time I lost my confidence and I lost my voice

And with your controlling ways I soon didn’t have a choice

I wanted you to treat me as your equal and be honest with me

Nothing is worse than hiding your addiction in secrecy

 

I fought for us, you and I, for hours on end

Over the years to please you I’d break and I’d bend

But why fight for something oh so wrong

I was young and yet I felt I had lived for too long

 

Living with you was like walking on thin ice

Never knowing if you loved me, if I would suffice

You always wanted to change my appearance and more

Crying when you left for the bar scene out our front door

 

Through the years I cried enough tears to fill the deep blue sea

When you left and I was alone, it was only then I felt free

I could be happy when you were away and I to myself

I would look around at our home, our cars, and wealth

 

None of it mattered because I knew life was more than this

A marriage is not right if my life was in complete amiss

My deep feeling of emptiness hit when my day slowed down

It troubled my soul and caused me an endless frown

 

I wanted to smile, laugh, be happy and free

But how do you leave something when you can’t really see?

I’ve been blinded by your deception and atrocious lies

It hurt so badly I was cut down in size

 

How do I recover and step away from this horrible mess?

What I once was and felt, I am so much less

But how could I go back to such a tragic life?

I have to gather all my strength and no longer play wife

 

So I gather all the strength in my fiber and bean

I clasp my hands together and ask the Supreme

Please Father help this pain to pass from me

Help give me strength I have but I cannot see

 

Bless me to rise up and give me the confidence I need

I ask that I can grow in strength as a small, tiny seed

In all these things I ask of humbly of Thee

All these things I ask head bowed and on bended knee

 

As I arise from my prayer of the things that I seek

I try to life my life quiet, patient and meek

It is hard to know what the future holds for me

I have to believe- what will be will be

 

The pain won’t go away quickly like a scrap on my arm

No, this pain was like poison and it did much harm

So, I don’t know how long it will take my heart to heal

But I know Christ’s atonement is beautiful and it is real

 

So I’ll wipe away my tears and remind myself of this

If I have faith and move forward I can find my abyss

 

 

 

I hope, my friends who read this, know that I am not in the sad place I was when I first wrote this poem. I am finally experiencing true happiness after a period of extended darkness in my life. I have received an out pour of love and concern from family and friends and want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. My goal of this blog is to document my life and write some of my feelings about life. Although I keep my deepest thoughts to my journal writing and prayers to Heavenly Father, I hope to use this as another source of writing, which I love so much. And of course, lots and lots of pictures as you all know I enjoy them so much!

 

 

It is my hope you all have a great week and remember your worth. You may not know it, but there are so many people who love and care for you. Even in your darkest times, there is always a handful of people that are ready to embrace you with love and kindness. I want all my friends and family to know how much I have appreciated their out pour of love the past few months! Your sweet words of encouragement and prayers did not go unnoticed or appreciated. May you all have a great week!

 

Love,

Calissa